As promised in the little disclaimer to my last blogpost about the Revenant- which you should definitely go read right now, scroll scroll- I mentioned that I would come back to the question of why I have been absent for so long.
Actually, I want to rephrase this. I want to talk about why I have been such a worthless blogger since I started this way back when I first started university (or even before, but those posts have been put on private- too embarrassing). The truth is, the struggle is real. Do not get me wrong, I love blogging with all my heart. 'If you really love blogging, then why are you never actually publishing any posts?' Fair point. Let me explain the struggle.
One might assume that I am just lazy, and not bothered enough to actually write. Although perhaps there are certainly instances when this is true, it is not the core of the problem. The core of the problem is twofold. One: I am constantly struggling with the fact that I want to write about things I care about or that interest me, but most of the time these things are too personal to share with the entire internet (too personal not meaning anything out of the ordinary, just that I'd rather not go in depth about my life online). Let's not forget, this is a public blog, and my potential future employers- hey there! How are you?- might at some point read this. Furthermore, I am constantly asking myself...why would sharing this be interesting to others?
This brings me to the second part of the problem. Anyone who has been reading my blog for a substantial amount of time- thanks for still having faith guys!- will know that the main topic I like to write about, besides personal rambling about whatever, is film. However, this has been- emphasis on has!- an even bigger struggle because I felt I had way too little authority to actually voice an opinion on it and have people care about that opinion. Now that I actually study film, I am still not an authority, AT ALL. However, I am coming to terms with the fact that truly, nobody will ever be an authority per se. The old 'all opinions matter kind of thing'.
Now that I have figured that out, I am definitely determined to write more. And yeah, we've all heard this before, especially myself. It is hard to muster up the motivation to get something done without someone pushing you to do it, or at least that is my experience. However, now that I am in the midst of an existential crisis of interesting proportions- 'what am I doing after this?' 'where will I live?' 'who will hire me?' 'will anybody ever hire me?' 'am I doomed?' (I am pretty confident at least some of the people reading this will be familiar with these cosy little thoughts that all plague our minds at some point in our lives)- it would be good to pursue something I actually love doing, and something that might in some way benefit me later on.
That being said, I will not be throwing out a post a week or anything. I know myself well enough to acknowledge how unrealistic that would be. The point of this blog then? I just wanted to blog about not being able to blog. It's good to have it here on the screen, and it makes sense (at least to me). Maybe it will motivate me to write more, or maybe it will ease my disappointment in myself for failing to. We'll see.
