I Was Wrong

As long as I have had this blog it has always been a way of documenting the changes in my life. From starting university to going on Erasmus, to graduating and coming here. For a while, I believed the latter decision to be the scariest one yet. But oh boy, looking back now I was so wrong. It wasn't the hardest decision I had ever made. In perspective, last year's decision was a walk in the park.

Some of you might remember this-and if you do I salute you for reading my blog so consistently-but in March last year I posted a little ramble called Important Decisions Nobody Ever Warned us About - But They Should Have. In this post I talked about life after your undergrad, and how this enormous decision of where to do my master's degree was looming over me in the midst of writing my BA dissertation. Do not get me wrong, at the time, this was a huge dilemma for me, and it will always be one of the most important decisions I have ever made. It was also one I had wished I would have had more guidance on. But sitting here today, in the midst of writing yet another dissertation, and with only a few more weeks on the clock to decide what my next move is going to be, life has never seemed more unpredictable.

Going to university can be tough sometimes, but for me it gave me a sense of security. Once you graduate from high school university is a much harder, but also much more fun continuation of what you have done before: studying. You are surrounded by your friends, you have your set curriculum, you do your assignments, and at the end of the year you reap your reward (or not). I always felt safe in this situation, as I had a clear view of were I was going and what I was working towards: graduation. Even after finishing my BA I had an inkling of what was to come. Although in a different country, at a different uni and surrounded by new (awesome) people, I kind of knew what I was in for. And right now..I have no idea.

Being the organised person that I am, not knowing what is to come next is giving me a fair amount of anxiety (to put it lightly). Some days I feel optimistic about entering the job market, other days I feel like I am never gonna get anywhere, ever, and that the only option I have is to go back home. But no. Those latter thoughts are the ones I cannot give into.

I decided recently that if I want to try to make this thing work, now is the time. This thing? Staying in England for the foreseeable future. I knew it was going to be hard from the start. I mean, it's daunting enough trying to find a job you are really passionate about in a country you are familiar with. I have an idea how things work in the Netherlands, I know what I would be in for. In England, not so much. I cannot even begin to describe how disheartening the situation has been since #BREXIT (there, I said it). However, this is just an added layer of unknowing to an already pretty black void of 'what the hell am I doing' .

So what is life post-post grad going to be like? Right now, it is going to involve a pretty serious battle for a job, combined with a pretty serious quest for a nice place to live. I have adapted the following attitude, which is helping me through most of my worries, which is 'this is the only option, there is no going home'. For some reason, this gives me an extra incentive to work extra hard at exactly what it is I want to achieve.

So yeah, I was wrong. Not only in being ignorant of the fact that the hardest part was yet to come, but perhaps most importantly, I was wrong in thinking there was ever going to be any guidance. It becomes clearer to me every day that there is no right or wrong way to go about things, and everyone will have to pick their own path. Perhaps with the help of others, or perhaps they will have to do it all by themselves. In the end, there is something to say for both.